You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judy.
The cases are real. The creatures are folkloric. The rulings are final.

CASE #10705: EVIL STEPSISTERS v. CINDERELLA

Judge Judy:
You two stepsisters are suing Cinderella and her prince because your
feet were irrevocably damaged after trying on some shoes, correct?

Evil Stepsister #1:
Yes, Your Honor.

Evil Stepsister #2:
He would only marry the woman who could fit into that shoe —
exhibit A — so we had to mutilate our feet to get it on.

Judge Judy:
You thought a prince with a foot fetish was your best option for a happily-ever-after life? Lissen up: You ever heard of Old Mother Hubbard? Know what her name used ta be? Sleeping Beauty! You girls: Get some help. Case dismissed. Step out please.

(to bailiff)

Un. Be. Lievable.

•    •    •

CASE #10706: HANSEL & GRETEL v. THEIR FATHER

Judge Judy:
Are you tellin’ me you didn’t try anything to find your children?

Father:
I waited outside the cottage every night for those two!

Judge Judy:
You didn’t hire a private detective? Talk to a wizard? Nothing?

Father:
I — I’ve got no bread!

Judge Judy:
You, sir. Are. A. Weasel. Judgment to the plaintiffs.

(outside the courtroom)

Hansel:
We’re very happy with the verdict! Dad’s cottage is gonna be worth a fortune!
With that, and the witch’s place and her gold, we are sittin’ pretty!

Gretel:
Thanks, Judge Judy!

•    •    •

CASE #10707: RAPUNZEL v. HER BIRTH PARENTS

Judge Judy:
So you gave your baby dawtah — your only child, right? — to the witch
who lived next door as payment for some stolen salad greens?!

Rapunzel’s Parents:
Uh, well, when you put it like that, I guess it sounds kinda —

Judge Judy:
ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

•    •    •

CASE #10708: JILL v. JACK

Judge Judy:
You left her lying there, even though you could see she was in trouble?

Jack:
There was nothing I could do!

Jill:
I really twisted my back, Your Hon —

Judge Judy:
Up-bup-bup! You’ll get your turn, madam! Go on.

Jack:
My crown was broken! I had to get in bed with a poultice
of vinegar and brown paper. It’s all in the file there —

Judge Judy:
Why wouldn’t you call all the king’s horses and men?
Isn’t that who you contact in emergencies around here?

Jack:
I lost my cell phone!

Judge Judy:
That is a crock of baloney, sir! Now your side, madam: GO.

Jill:
So I really, really hurt my back and I’m suing for loss of work, and mental cruelty and...

Judge Judy:
Hold on a second. Why does it take two of you to fetch one little pail of water?

Jill:
I have carpal tunnel.

Judge Judy:
Then why not just send him?

Jill:
Because he usually drinks it all before we can get it to the customers!

Judge Judy:
Customers? Who buys well water? What’s goin’ on up that hill? HUH?

Jill:
Well, nothing illegal like a still or anyth — oops.

Judge Judy:
Okay. That’s it. I’m turning your case over to the king. Simple. As. That. You won’t be needing molasses or whatever you had on your head — you’ll be lucky to have your head at all! Not that either of your heads was ever screwed on straight to begin with.

(to bailiff)

Nuts! They’re all nuts!

•    •    •

CASE #10709: EVIL STEPMOTHER v. SNOW WHITE

Judge Judy:
Okay, madam, you’re suing your stepdawtah for the cost of a
comb, some laces, and an apple, is that correct?

Evil Stepmother:
Yes, Your Honor. And also for the cost of a magic mirror which she broke. Willfully.

Judge Judy:
Madam, the police report shows clearly that the mirror broke itself.

Evil Stepmother:
But — !

Judge Judy:
Get over the mirror. Now: Do you have any receipts for the costs of any of those items?

Evil Stepmother:
Well, no. I mean, it’s not like that…

Judge Judy:
Then what are we doing here?

Evil Stepmother:
I made those things myself! They were priceless! I’ll never be able to replace — !

Judge Judy:
SHHHHHHH! It’s not happening! Okay. Now you. You are?

Snow White:
Snow Kristi-with-a-smiley-face-over-each-i White.

Judge Judy:
What’s your story?

Snow White (recites in a too-sweet, singsong-y voice):
One winter day, my mother was sewing and while she gazed out
at the snow through an ebony window frame —

Judge Judy:
Stop! Lissenta me: why are you here in my courtroom?

(to bailiff)

Dumber. Than. Dirt.

(to Snow White)

Are you responsible for ruining those things?

Snow White (shrugging):
No. I mean, I guess those things got wrecked, but I didn’t wreck ’em.

Judge Judy:
Miss White, if you didn’t, who did?

Seven Dwarves:
Uh, Your Honor?

Judge Judy:
Who are these people? Are these friends of yours?

Snow White:
These used to be my housemates.

Judge Judy:
All of them? Unbelievable. Okay, go ahead, please.

Seven Dwarves:
In order to save Snow White’s life, there may have been
some inadvertent damage to the aforesaid items.

Judge Judy:
What? SLOWLY!

(to bailiff)

Oh brother. This is gonna take awhile.

(outside the courtroom)

Snow White:
My stepmother is crazy. And she’s still mad about the whole,
red-hot iron shoes thing. Gosh! Get over it!

Evil Stepmother:
I don’t care what Judge Judy says. I’m still the fairest. The fairest!

•    •    •

CASE #10710: OLD WOMAN IN SHOE v. PRINCE CHARMING

Prince Charming:
Hey, how ya doin’, Judge?

Judge Judy:
Don’t you ask me how I’m doing. Where’s her money?

Prince C.:
I don’t owe her a —

Judge Judy:
Stop. Stop tawking. Do you mean to tell me that —

Prince C.:
— single dime! She like —

Judge Judy:
I’m tawking, sir! When I am talking, you do not talk! You got that?

Prince C.:
Yeah.

Judge Judy:
Yes.

Prince C.:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
That’s better. So let me get this straight: This old woman
in a shoe, here, a single mother of — how many?

Old Woman In Shoe:
Thirty-six, I think, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
You “think”?

O.W.I.S.:
I’m pretty sure.

Judge Judy:
Pretty sure?! You don’t have an exact count of your children?

O.W.I.S.:
Well, okay, thirty-six that I know of for certain. Oh, wait — no! — fifty-seven!
Fifty-seven is right. Some of them are at camp.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
These people. Are. In. Sane.

(to Prince C.)

Okay, so back to you, Mr. Chawming…

Prince C. (sniggering):
Uh…that’s Prince Charming, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Don’t be a Smwaht Mouth with me, sir. I’m much, much smarter than you.
You’re not as smart as I am if you live to be 103.

Prince C.:
Well actually, as an iconic male fantasy character, it could be argued that I’m a lot older than —

Judge Judy:
I’M SPEAKING! What gave you the idea that this mother of fifty-seven —

(to O.W.I.S.)

We’re sticking with that number?

(O.W.I.S. hesitantly nods yes and Judge Judy continues)

— fifty-seven children, would let you live with her rent free?
Are you married? Is she your girlfriend?

Prince C.:
No! We had a verbal agreement.

O.W.I.S.:
He was living with us —

Judge Judy:
Shhhhhh! So you have no legal document of any kind that states that this woman would pay for all of your cosmetic surgeries, care for you afterward, and give you a place to live? Nothing?

Prince C.:
Well, like I said, we had a verbal agreement. I said I’d look after the kids sometimes and she said she’d help me out. I mean, I’m like doin’ her a favor jus’ bein’ around her! I’m, like, twenty-one and she’s, like, almost thirty! And it’s not like she doesn’t have the money or nothin’.

Judge Judy:
You think a woman with fifty-seven children has money to burn?

(to bailiff)

Cannot stand him.

(to O.W.I.S.)

Now, to you, madam: did he do what he said and help
with the kids? Help around the house at all?

O.W.I.S.:
Mostly he just lay on the couch, watchin’ TV.

Judge Judy:
Was he watching this show?

O.W.I.S.:
He watches that jousting show.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
This is why. You do not let. Fifteen-year-old princesses have babies!
This is the future of our fairy tales.

(to O.W.I.S.)

If you’ve learned anything, madam, and I hope you teach all fifty-seven of your kids this: Do not fall! For a pretty! Face! Judgment to the plaintiff in the amount of a big sack of gold for back rent. And in the future, madam, get a contract in writing before a guy moves in. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

O.W.I.S.: I guess I’ll be more careful next time.

Prince Charming (sees Evil Stepsisters #1 and #2 in hallway and sidles up beside them):
Wow, those colors look really awesome on each of you! Would you ladies care for a little lunch? I know a place that takes plastic. (both sisters blush and giggle delightedly)

•    •    •

CASE #10711: GRANDMOTHER v. RED RIDING HOOD

Grandmother:
She’s come home a few times and asked us to call the police because of her no-good boyfriend who’s been stealing from her trust fund. And we —

Boyfriend:
But she gave me that money for a new investment opportunity!

Judge Judy:
Stop just a minute. Is this the boyfriend right here? Stand up. What’s your name?

Boyfriend:
My name is —

Judge Judy:
What? STAND UP!

Boyfriend:
I am standing up, Your Honor! And my name is Jiminy Cricket!

Judge Judy:
All right, Mr. Cricket. (pause) You look familiar to me. Have you been in my courtroom before?

Jiminy Cricket:
Uh, no ma’am?

Judge Judy:
I saw you in connection with another case. With a certain Thumbelina?

Jiminy Cricket:
No ma’am. That was my cousin.

Judge Judy:
Oh, your cousin? I think not. You owed her for rent as I recall?

Jiminy Cricket:
No, Your Honor! That was my cousin, Mole!

Judge Judy:
Are you serious? You think I can’t tell the difference between
you and a mole? Okay, I’m done with you. Siddown.

(to bailiff)

Are you getting this? It’s so easy. So easy.

(to Grandmother)

I can see why you are concerned about your granddawtah’s choices,
madam, but this is a legal matter. Not an emotional one.

Grandmother:
But Your Honor! She’s run away from home and we haven’t
seen her in months — and her stepgrandfather and I —

Little Red Riding Hood:
You threw me out! I hate you!

Grandmother: We did not throw — !

Judge Judy:
BE QUIET! (Wham! Wham! Wham!) You, madam, are going to have to let her make mistakes. She’s got a job, right? Delivering Meals on Wheels? She looks put together in that red get-up, yes? Not exactly my taste, but whatever.

Little Red Riding Hood:
Yes. Thank you, Your Honor.

Grandmother:
I guess he is better than her last boyfriend.

Judge Judy:
Not that it’s any of my business, but what happened to him?

Grandmother:
He ran off with the woodcutter.

Judge Judy:
Case dismissed. Be nice to each other. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

Jiminy Cricket:
I AM standing up!

Tune in next week when Judge Judy goes
Puritanical on the Salem Witch trials!

Judge Judy:
Can I see the police report on these mysterious goings-on in the woods?

Chief Justice William Stoughton (shuffling frantically through a sheaf of papers):
We — we don’t actually have a police report. But we have eyewitnesses!

Judge Judy:
Are these girls your witnesses?

William Stoughton:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Stand up. (the girls stand up) Oh. Brother. I can see it from here.

(to bailiff)

Are you seein’ this?

(to Stoughton)

Do you have children, sir?

William Stoughton:
I don’t see what that has to do with —

Judge Judy:
I have dawtahs and I wouldn’t believe a single one of these girls. Not. One. These girls. Are. A prawblem. Do you understand what I’m sayin’? A. Prawblem!

And don’t miss a special edition of Judge Judy when she travels to Mount Olympus to dispense a certain “divine” justice. The gods might be angry!

Zeus:
What can I say? I’m a god; that’s how I roll.

Judge Judy:
Well, you’re about to learn just how this court rolls!

(to bailiff)

Oh, I am so going to enjoy this.

From the September/October 2012 issue of The Horn Book Magazine.